Last year I started a post after I started therapy; however I didn’t have the courage to share it. Below is that post and now almost one year later I’m in a pretty solid place and feel like I can share. Amazing what happens when you do the hard stuff and go back to the root of the evil that was impacting my daily life as a wife and a mother. I remember the day that I chose to take control of my life it was after my daughter clearly noticed her unhappy mommy taking it out on those closest to me. I will forever be grateful for the life shift that happened that day. I am not far from being really fucking great but I’m fighting my way there. In January I had the gut wrenching reality of losing my father, I miss the idea of what he never was to me and I miss the complete disaster he was all these years, mostly because that is all I knew. I knew a broken man with baggage beyond my comprehension. I miss him every freaking day.
In May this year I attended a grief retreat in Kauai. It allowed me to celebrate my sweet girl in a way I never had, the pain has found its resting place in my life allowing me to see more clearly and understand how that impacted decisions I have made. I also was able to grieve my fathers passing.
What I learned in therapy is how to honor myself and feelings , set boundaries and say NO! Ha if you know me saying no is difficult and giving my all is what I do. Now I choose better before putting myself out there. I learned that sexual abuse and assault are not ok and not my fault! Did you hear that not My fault they had control once and now I have all the control.
All to often we as women learn how to stuff our shit deep so we can push forward and tend to our lives, this might work for a short while but it will always surface whether through destructive behavior or just losing ground in our lives. My advice is take the time and nurture your soul dig deep and honor yourself, your worth it...
(December 13th 2016)
So many times I sit down to write and often just get up and walk away. Sometimes the reality of pain is too much to talk about let alone put it in writing. I started therapy not to long ago after being thrown into menopause post emergency hysterectomy, truth is my life was turned upside down and I was forced to face a not so pleasant past.
I was forced to face a life that includes a parent that is dying from alcoholism, two parents that refuse to acknowledge they need family close to help as they age, a past that includes facing the reality of being raped at a young age and just now facing that pain.
Anytime you go through painful things from your past chances are you will come out on the other side stronger and better than when you started.
1 comment:
I have started so many blogs... whether actually typed out or just in my head. I miss it. Getting things off my chest. Talking them out with my fingertips on the keys. In today's world of social media, it doesn't seem as if any one is ever 'real'. So, to read this post, the realness, the raw emotion of both this post and the one for Hailey Grace, pulled at my heart. It is hard, we as women do push through. Push things aside, we were taught to 'get over it'. But you are right. Even though dealing with hardships from our past is not easy, we do come out stronger and better. And you my friend, are one the strongest, most beautiful women out there. Hugs! Dani(the Cave Clan)
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